Adam Styles
Loss of mom, Nancy, to cancer
Hi Adam! Tell us, what’s your story?
Hello, my name is Adam Styles I am 36 years old and I live in a small town in Canada, Ontario called Port Dover. I love my small town and community so much! I work for a company called Charles Jones Industrial (industrial supplies) as a shipper. I am a very busy young dad, who loves to spent as much time as I can with my family (wife Brianne, and kids Emmett turns 5 in Sept. and Tye who just turned 2 at end of March.) I am a HUGE Leafs fan who bleeds blue and white and I am also a big sports fan in general! Blue Jays are my baseball team, Raptors basketball, Green Bay Packers football and I love the best golfer in the world Tiger Woods. If I am not participating in some sport myself or with my kids, I’m most likely watching them on the TV.
I also am part of a hockey podcast called Off The Puck Hockey as a co-host. We started near the start of the pandemic and have slowed down a bit recently as I have had a lot on my plate lately and needed some time. We have done very well for ourselves and had some pretty big names and very interesting people and stories and would love for anyone reading this to give us a follow on all social media sites and follow along.
You told me that you lost your mom, Nancy, to cancer and pneumonia - can you share a little bit about her diagnosis and her experience with cancer?
I took my mom to the hospital on a Thursday as she has been not feeling too well for a few days before and experiencing some pain and discomfort in her side. I told my mom “text me when you're ready to be picked up” not really thinking too much about it. I would later get a phone call from her saying she had to stay overnight, as they found an infection in her stomach they wanted to test out more. That infection turned into a mass the next day (Friday) and then Saturday they figured it out and we got the news she was filled with cancer (stage 4 lung, along with liver, spine, stomach, and lymph nodes) Along with all of that, she had come down with pneumonia on top of it all.
The really odd thing was she couldn’t get her cancer appointments and visits at the cancer center until she was discharged from the hospital, but the Doctor didn't want to let her out as she was at high risk at this point. With her mass, it made fighting off the pneumonia next to impossible as the mass was pushing against her lungs that they were trying to drain. They needed to put her on oxygen to help with her breathing as well, and that was being upped every day that passed. We were then told only 2 visitors were allowed to see her (one at a time) because of covid, so my family decided it would be my sister and myself to visit.
Well didn't I catch covid on that Sunday and my whole world just got darker - I was thinking the worst thoughts possible (I would never get to see my mother again). Thank god for my sister and technology I was able to see her every day on facetime while my sister was visiting. Mom remained in very good spirits but was becoming very confused. As the week went on they were aiming for that Friday to release her and she would then go to my Aunt’s house to continue to be treated and looked after. Friday came and her breathing wasn't well at all, so the Doc decided to keep her one more night. But he knew it was in her best interest to be at home in a relaxing environment and surrounded by all the ones she loved. In the week she was in hospital she was moved 4 times and could never really settle in, so sending her home made us all so happy and it is what she wanted too.
Once “home” and settled in at my Aunt’s, she had friends and family visit while she battled every day. We were able to pamper her a bit in her final weeks as we got her hair done, nails done and a massage to make her as comfortable as she could be. After all, she was Fancy Nancy for a reason. The decline was noticeable and she became less mobile each day, her appetite declined and her oxygen had to be upped a couple times. We had a couple chats about how she was feeling and also got her to yell out with us “FUCK YOU CANCER” (sorry for the language).
We only got a couple calls with the cancer clinic and time was our enemy. As mom declined, she got to a point where she no longer could make bowel movements because of the blockages. This ended up being a big problem as well as it’s obviously not normal and 2 weeks after trying everything to help she was finally able to get things moving, which led to a full-blown panic attack. This would be her first of a few of these attacks where she would start sweating profusely, in lots of discomfort, lungs gurgling, and wishing god would just take her. Once these attacks started happening her breathing also became worse and we eventually had to make a call for the hardcore meds to help with this all. Once she started these meds that was kind of the end of her being conscious and able to talk and interact with us. It wasn't much longer after admitting these meds to her that she lost her life. In the end, the pneumonia was the main culprit and took her away from us.
“Time was our enemy.”
Can you tell us a little about the day your mom died?
The day my mom was taken from us - ughhhhh this is hard. Going back to the last question and mom having the panic attacks, lungs filling, and giving the hard drugs that had to be given to her by IV.
My 36th Birthday was Feb. 21st and I am so happy that I was able to have one last party/ celebration with my mother before it was too late. We went down and ordered some of our fav local food along with some ice cream cake and I was able to receive the last card and gift from my mother I will ever get. I can’t tell you how thankful I am for that card as it is so special to see her writing and read such a special message from her in such a hard time. That card will now help me with my first tattoo, which will be in her handwriting saying, “I love you forever and Always Adam xoxo.” Her writing was so iconic and I will get that over my heart and have something I can always look at and remember her by. She passed 2 days after this special day and I like to think she held on for it as well.
I would go down every day/ night for my visits, but the visits became less interactive as the days went by and on the day she passed she was given these drugs that made her basically calm and sleep and she couldn't really respond to us (although we did notice she would hear my voice and squeeze my hand once and awhile. I knew this was going to be the last night we had with her - just had that feeling and with the experience of it all, seeing the decline. All my Aunts were taking turns staying over with her throughout her battle and on this day we all knew we had to be there.
As the night went on, her breathing was becoming worse with some gurgling (one of the drugs was to help dry that up). It was only getting worse as the night went on and as we all tried to get some rest ourselves, I knew I couldn't and stayed up with my Aunt Sara. Hours of sitting at her side, holding her hand, brushing her hair, kissing/hugging her, and telling her it all will be ok and that I was there with her. Around 11PM, she started to have blackish phlegm coming out of her nose and mouth, and again I knew this wasn't a good sign at all.
The gurgling became worse (The phlegm was her lung cancer/pneumonia basically filling her lungs and had nowhere else to go. I am sorry to be graphic, but part of the experience) After swapping in and out with my aunt by her side, I decided I would lay down on a mattress beside her and maybe try to rest. This was almost impossible, but as I started to fade, I had my aunt tap me on the shoulder and say she thought she was on her way out. I was lucky enough to be able to get up and hold her and catch her last breath. I will never ever forget that time and moment. Didn't seem real at all (still kind of doesn’t) and I felt so lost right then and there.
After all of our crying and hugging and helping each other, I will never forget that silence that filled the room after she had passed and seeing her body, lying there motionless. That feeling after she was removed and just laying on my aunt’s couch - hurt, lost, and helpless.
It’s only been a month since she died. How are you coping?
It has now been 6 weeks today (at the time of the interview) and coping with it has been an adventure itself. I definitely have my good days and bad days and thoughts/ memories with her can pop in my head anytime and can change my mood/day drastically. The support from my family, friends, and community has been nothing short of amazing and so heartwarming! The messages, phone calls, food sent to us, gift baskets, flowers, and more was beyond amazing and comforting. They have all helped with my coping and for that, I am forever grateful and can never truly thank them all. I reached out to many of my friends who have also been misfortunate in losing a parent and just picked their brains as much as I could to try to get a grasp of it firsthand and what's to come. I have found talking about the whole experience with people, getting things off my mind, and asking questions have helped me greatly in coping with it all.
My mom would always look for signs from her parents - Grandma and Papa - and they would be signs of finding dimes and seeing cardinals. I now carry that with me and we are all always watching for those signs and more. I have a cardinal come to my feeder every day and I will take these opportunities to talk with my mom and act as if it's her visiting us. This has been very special and I know she is with us and watching us all. She is the best guardian angel we could ask for!
As I mentioned before, I don't believe it has fully sunk in yet as I still find myself thinking or feeling like I am going to see her again, have her text or call me, walk through my door, but also as the time goes on I am realizing this will never happen again and I have to whisper to myself multiple times a day “this is so fucked up” - It just doesn't make sense and so many “whys?” Life truly isn't fair sometimes. Just to think she will never get to watch my boys grow up and be a part of their lives rips my heart to pieces.
(UPDATE) As my days become less busy and life is starting to settle down a bit, I have realized it has allowed grief to creep in more, and I have been struggling a lot more again. The cleaning/clearing out of my mom’s house really hurt as it feels kind of like the final ending of her and all her things.
What was a specific low point or struggle you experienced?
I am not sure how to answer this question as I have felt very low for a while now and can't really pinpoint “the lowest” point. I think maybe when she first passed and seeing her lay there, not breathing and motionless - the eerie sound of silence was quite the experience. Having her body taken away and sitting in my aunt's house for hours after feeling so lost and alone and still not understanding what was going on.
Also, it's a very hard struggle hearing my boys say “nana” when they hear our door open or see the same car she drives. It really hurts. My oldest is starting to realize she won't be around again and the things he has been saying about not being able to see her or how much he loves and misses her stabs me in the heart. I just really hope they can both remember her when they get older and have some kind of memory of her.
And with more time to think and have things sink in, it has really hit me hard.
How have you managed to find joy in those low moments?
Finding joy in those moments is very hard, but also achievable. I find just thinking and reliving some of the best times and moments I had with my mom or watching/looking at old videos and photos helps bring a smile to the face. Going through her stuff and, again, seeing something that triggers some kind of memory will bring me a smile.
The biggest joy maybe would be that mom is no longer in pain - that she’s in peace and didn't suffer much in her short battle. She is now with her mom and dad who she missed so much and that is very settling as well. I know they are all up there smiling down on us and going to make sure we are all safe and happy as we can be.
How did the pandemic affect your mom’s diagnosis? How about the time after?
The pandemic played a pretty big part in my mom's diagnosis and battle. As I mentioned above, myself and my family caught covid 3 days after my mom was admitted to the hospital. This became a huge challenge as a) I couldn't go visit her until I was clear and I had so many horrible thoughts cross my mind, like I wouldn't get to see my mom again before she died and b) It was crucial that we tried our best to avoid my mom getting covid, as it was very deadly in her situation. My whole immediate family ended up getting covid and that was a huge challenge. I am so thankful my sister was able to visit and FaceTime with me so I was able to see and talk to her.
Once she was discharged we had to get ahold of a bunch of rapid tests for whoever was going to visit with my mom to make sure they wouldn't pass covid to her. After 5 days of testing positive, I finally tested negative and was able to go down and visit mom in person! That was a huge weight off my chest but still was a challenge as my family still had it. Anyone who visited was asked to take a test and we were as safe as possible.
After her passing, covid restrictions were slowly starting to lift and by the time she was ready to have her visitation and funeral, the capacity limits of people indoors was lifted. She was able to have everyone who wanted to pay their respects attend and I am grateful for that!
You told me you found out your wife was pregnant around the same time your mom was diagnosed. Can you share a little about that?
I have not really spoken much about this, as I only told a few close friends and family. The day I took my mother to the hospital, is also the day I found out my wife was pregnant with what would have been our 3rd child. At first, when my wife Brianne broke the news to me, I was so shocked and surprised as we were not trying, but also not being as safe as we could have been. I broke down and was filled with anxiety; felt lost and didn’t know what we were going to do. After calling and speaking to some family and friends I realized this wasn’t as big of a deal and was a huge shock and I wasn’t prepared for that news. We have talked before and thought we wanted 3, but not at this moment or time, but we decided we were just going to roll with it and it would all work out and be fine in the end.
By the time I got to tell my mom this news, (which we never would have if she was not sick and until Bri was a bit farther along) was after we had found out she was filled with cancer, which made this even harder to process and tell her as we had no idea if she would be around for the birth or what was going to happen. My mom was ecstatic and so happy for us as she always wanted us to have 3 (like herself). It was also nice to see her so happy in such a hard state and condition. When Brianne was finally able to go down for a visit with my mother, she was greeted by a huge hug and congratulations from her and told how happy and excited she was for us.
Well, as these stressful weeks and hard days went by Brianne started having some issues and really worried something wasn’t right. After a few doctor talks and tests, we found out the devastating news that Brianne had a miscarriage and we had lost our new baby. I really didn’t know how to react and still kind of feel weird about it all. I wasn’t fully able to process that on top of what I was dealing with my mom. I felt very bad for Brianne and didn’t know how to really express that to her or what to say.
Still today I feel very guilty and sad that I didn’t do enough or say enough to Brianne. I love her so much and felt/feel so bad she had to go through that process and roller coaster ride. We do have a positive takeaway from it as it was early and there could have always been worse situations. We will take this all as a learning process and just know it wasn’t meant to be at this time.
One of the hardest parts of it for me was breaking that news to my mom in her final week of living. I was so scared and worried to tell her this as I knew how happy she was when I told her we were expecting. She took it pretty well and totally understood as she had experienced similar stories in her days of pregnancy. She was very comforting to me as I was so upset with it and wasn’t sure how she was going to take it. I am thankful she knew this news before she passed as it would hurt me a lot if she passed thinking we would still have this baby. Again as Brianne put it, it wasn’t meant to be right now and maybe down the road it will happen and if so mom can reincarnate in some way, shape, or form. Love you Brianne so much and so sorry we had to experience this.
What was that like, adding this loss on top of everything else you were experiencing?
Adding this onto the pile of other problems and issues we were dealing with really made us feel like this world is not fair and how so much bad could happen all at once. We have no idea how or why this happened and may truly never know, but I do believe the stress on her body during these times most likely didn’t help much at all. Covid also makes us think too, as you hear many stories where the covid shot could have done it as well. Again we will never truly know the answer or reason, but do know it wasn’t meant to be at this time and moment and have to accept that.
You also updated me that your dad was also diagnosed with cancer. Can you tell me about that?
Yes, we recently had some unfortunate news of finding out my dad has colon cancer now too, but has caught it very early and doctors are very optimistic and positive about it and believe he will get the results we all hope and pray for. He found out two days after my mom’s passing and just told us 3 or so weeks ago (Tuesday before Mother's Day). He knew he had to wait to tell us with all that we were going through already, but also knew he couldn't hold it back too long. He is now in the process of a lot of specialist visits and finding out what's next and when he can get in for surgery. We are all trying to be as optimistic as possible, pray he caught it early enough, and, as the fighter he is, we all know he will get through it!
What do you want others to know about grief?
Grief is very real and a very weird and strange process. Don’t ever feel you are alone or grieving too much or not the right way. We are all different and use different tools and ways to deal with our grievances. If feeling lost or alone, reach out to people, they are there to help. Reach out to people who have experienced grief as they have walked down that road and can always offer ways that helped them cope.
I am still learning about it all and like they say, am “learning something new every day” about the whole grieving process. I will continue to learn and grow myself and I am always here for ANYONE to chat about the process or anything at all. I know it's helped me greatly in talking about my experiences to people and I want the same for all my friends, family, and community. Anything to make it easier or help out in any way.
How can a person best be there to support a loved one who is grieving?
Reach out in any way at all, show you are there to support, and prove it. The worst thing somebody can possibly do is nothing at all. Again all the messages and calls, chats, food and flowers dropped off, offers to help in any way is all so very helpful. And to know and feel the love from so many does wonders!
Share your experiences, offer help in any way you feel will help, reach out and a simple “can I do anything for you or your family?” goes a long way - it’s the little things! Ask them out for dinner or an event to get their mind off of the obvious; again any support is better than no support. Simple texts or messages, songs or poems they can relate to, and a hug can all go a long way too!
What would you tell others who are going through something similar?
Hang in there. Life is a roller coaster and this is the lowest or one of the lowest points you can reach. And just know your lost one would want nothing more than to see you at your strongest and continue to succeed in life. Again reach out and take in as much knowledge and experience as you can. Hearing different points of view and stories can teach you a lot. So many more people are there and care about you than you think so use those people as your crutches and support. It hasn't gotten much easier for me yet, but it does get a bit more numbing as time goes on if that makes sense. In my experiences of reaching out and talking with my friends who have went through it all tell me it does get easier, more numbing as time passes. Also been told and have now experienced any family event or celebration will bring up a lot of emotions and use them in your favor. Think of all the good times had during those events and build on them. They will always be there with you and want to see you smile!
“Hang in there. Life is a roller coaster and this is the lowest point you can reach.”
If you could go back and spend one more day with your mom, what would you do?
This is such a hard question as there is just so much I wish I could do with her still. One of the things I really was looking forward to doing with her and my family is to go on a tropical vacation and make a ton of more memories! We talked about this lots and believe it would have happened if it wasn’t for COVID! She took my brother, sister, and myself to Disney and that is one of the things we all have the best memories from, so look forward to doing that with all our children as well.
What I really think would be the most special - and know my mom would have loved and wished she could be here for - is my sister’s wedding. My sister and her fiancé recently got engaged at the end of last year and are looking to be married in the near future. With the news of my mom and her condition, my sister very badly wanted my mom to be there for her special day, as any daughter does. So my sister and fiancé came to a decision they would just do a small ceremony down at my Aunt’s on the weekend, so they could have my mom witness and be a part of her marriage.
My sister busted her butt and got everything that was needed to be married all organized and ready for the big day. Then, two days before her big day, my mom would leave us and crush my sister’s dream wedding. This really hurts me to know and think about, as I said before, I know she would have really loved to be there with her only daughter on her big day. This is something we all now have to accept and just know when this day does finally come, she will be there and watching down to make sure it’s the most special day ever and all goes as planned.
I know this would have been another great event and time to make some of the best memories and just really wish this could happen for my sister. It hurts my heart so much. I love you Tara and just know she will be there and will be filled with joy and smiles when she sees how beautiful you will be coming down that aisle!
Any resources that were helpful for you that others might be able to utilize?
Family, friends, and community - there are just too many people to list - but I want them all to know how thankful and appreciative I am of it all! Again, there are a lot of people out there with similar stories and experiences and I can’t say enough how powerful and helpful that is.
This page, your page (Forced Joy) my sister directed me to, and I thank her for that as I have read and related to a lot of the posts and stories from here.
There are so many tools and pages out there that can help in so many different shapes and forms, just reach out, look, and connect to these people and pages and you will be amazed how much people can relate or you can relate to different things and people.
What brings you joy now?
First and foremost my wife and kids bring me so much joy in this world and without that, I don’t what I would do. I feel so safe and comforted when I am with and around my family and know they all understand me the most and also look up to me. I can always speak about what is bothering me or any other issues I may have going on and they can usually be solved or helped with my family.
My 2 boys are my best friends and they can instantly change my day around with one simple “Daddy” when getting in from work, followed by some hugs and kisses. I will now use all my mom has ever taught me about parenthood to raise my kids and make their lives just as good, if not better, than mine! They are just so young and innocent and even though they may not remember her as much as I wished, I do know she will be with them for their entire lives and help push and guide them when needed. She is the best guardian angel I could ask for in life.
Also, memories are HUGE right now and have been helping me get by and bringing a few smiles or laughs when it’s much needed. Sorting through and organizing at my mother’s recently, we came across many, many things that brought back memories - pictures, items, etc., and even some new ones. In finding all of these things, I have had memories brought back up that I may have forgotten or just refreshed myself with and that has really brought some joy to myself and reliving some of those moments with my siblings.
Going through old photo books and old videos to see her, hear her voice, watch her so happy and laughing is some really powerful stuff and I am so thankful to be able to have all of these today. In doing all that, I have found my dreams have been a lot more joyful and real, where I kind of relive some of those memories and add to them that end up in me waking up smiling or in tears of joy.
Anything else you’d like readers to know?
One thing that we had to face was pre-planning her funeral arrangements with my mom. That was a hard day and conversation had by all, but now looking back, I realized she got it exactly the way she wanted and we all had a good healthy discussion about it all. I believe my mom was smiling down and happy with the way her service went and how beautiful it was. So in hindsight, this was a blessing and I’m glad she was able to share with us all her final wishes and the way she wanted it.
One last thing I will share, if you have the time with the one you are losing and they have the strength, get them to write you a letter or leave a voice message that you will be able to hold onto for the rest of your life. It will be very special and one of the best memories you can have. I was lucky enough to get my one last birthday card with a very special message I will always go back and read and cherish.
Thank you very much for your time and reading over my journey with grief, I hope this can maybe help someone or some people or they can relate in any way. PLEASE reach out (even if a stranger) and I would be honored if I could help anyone with anything at all as I know how much a little can do and I really enjoy talking with people and trying to help.
Want to learn more about Adam or connect with him? Follow him on Instagram @ATStyles22.