Jess Miller

Loss of husband, Chris, to Cardiac Arrest

Hi Jess! Tell us, what’s your story?

My name is Jess Miller. I grew up & live 15 minutes from the beach. I love being at the beach or on a boat. I’ve been a special education teacher for over 10 years. The past 5 years I’ve taught 7th grade. I am a waitress at a local summer restaurant. I have a 2.5-year-old son and an 8-year-old pitbull mix. I try not to take life too seriously and make jokes at inappropriate times.

What was life like before the loss of your husband, Chris?

Before the loss, my life was like a storybook. I graduated college at 21 with a degree in special and elementary education. In the winter at 22, I met my husband. I was working as a substitute trying to get a full time teaching job. Chris was 5 years older than me and already in the Air Force. We went through some tough work trips & deployments but overall it was a happy & loving relationship. He bought a house, we moved in together, and I got a full time teaching job. We got engaged, our puppy, and we were married by the time I was 26. In June 2018, we bought the home we would raise our family in and by February of 2019 I was pregnant. We had our son in October 2019. We were just hitting our stride of figuring out life with a newborn when in November 2019, my life was turned upside down.

You shared with me that your husband experienced cardiac arrest. Can you share what happened?

My husband had to take a yearly Physical Test for the Air Force. His test happened to be in December every year, which we always complained about because he would run & diet before the holidays. Monday morning before Thanksgiving, Chris got to leave work early. He fed our son and went for a run. When he came back from the run, I was washing bottles, he grabbed a snack, gave me a hug, and went into the family room. I heard a strange sound and peeked around the corner. I saw him, face down, on the floor. I called 911 and tried to help him as best as I could while still being 7 weeks postpartum. Finally, the paramedics got to the house and worked on him. When I got to the hospital, he was alive, but in a coma. He survived in a minimally conscious stage for 11 months. He suffered a severe anoxic brain injury due to lack of oxygen.

At 36 years old, they found 5 blockages in his heart & 3 of them were 100%. He was in the hospital and rehab facility for 5 months. He was discharged to his parent’s house where I visited every day to help take care of him. He was only able to move his head. He did talk & eat but was dependent on us for everything else. He was really struggling at the end of the summer of 2020 and, on our son’s first birthday, he was taken again to the hospital where they found a significant amount of fluid on his brain. He died 12 days later with me by his side in his parent’s house.

What was life like for your family after that?

After he died, life was quiet. There was so much I was trying to keep up with because he required so much care that I was left with so much downtime. I was working from home full-time and then packing up my son to go to my in-laws to take care of my husband. Then all of that was gone, but my son. My parents, Chris’s parents, and my siblings all still came around to help me with Connor. He brought everyone so much joy. It was such a hard adjustment period. I had been preparing for this for months, but it didn’t matter.

How did you cope in the immediate months after your husband passed away?

My husband died in mid-October and I took an unpaid leave from work. I threw myself into my son and online shopping. I tried to focus on my son as much as possible. If I had a free moment without my son, I would sleep. Grief is exhausting, even without a toddler. I am still constantly tired. During that summer, I made sure my son had all of the experiences. I had him at the beach a few times a week, the zoo, amusement parks, boardwalk rides, ice cream for dinner, etc. You name it, we did it. His first year of life was spent focusing on my husband, which limited his experiences. I overcompensated by doing all the things with my son while also distracting myself.

What was a specific low point or struggle you experienced?

I remember specifically once he was in rehab, over an hour away, Covid lockdown hit. I was visiting him every other or every third day. Once the lockdown hit, I couldn't see him. I was stuck at home with a 5-month-old. I would call the nurses station multiple times day and night. Once I got my son to bed, I would zone out with wine & TV. I was so helpless at that time. After his death, I had the same feelings. My life was non-stop caring for Chris, our son, & work. Then I was just caring for my son in the cold Jersey winter. It fucking sucked.

How did you manage to find joy in those low moments?

I really relied on my support system for moments of joy. I am very grateful for my family & close friends that I can open up to. I have always been witty & joked around. So in this situation, they were able to do that for me. I did have a lot of dark humor that not everyone loved. I also found joy in seeing my son learn & getting outside in nature.

How do you live life differently from before the loss?

Now I certainly enjoy the little things in life. I also try to not let the little annoyances of life bother me as much. I realized that life is about experiences and the people we do life with. We need to make time for important people and not worry so much about what other people think. I also want to make sure I help and give back because we had so much support during those long 11 months. I don’t know how I would have made it without them. I also have started to make sure I am living for myself and our son. A lot of societal norms have gone out the window.

What do you want others to know about grief?

Grief sucks. At first, it is all day every day. We don’t know what will help. As time progresses, we learn to deal with it. However, triggers are everywhere, and we don’t always know when they will pop up. If you are supporting a grieving person, please be patient with us and as we continue life, it is still without them. If you are grieving yourself, give yourself a ton of grace. Now 18 months out I am still learning that these secondary losses are never-ending.

How can a person best be there to support a loved one who is grieving?

Please don’t give up on us and keep showing up for us. The most helpful thing you can do is to make decisions for us. Please don’t ask what we need. We don’t know and some of us are too stubborn to ask for help. If you want to help with food, just drop off food. If you see my yard is overgrown, cut it. If you want me to have “me time” schedule child care. When you are running to the grocery store, shoot a text that you’re going and ask what I need. It does not need to be a huge grand gesture or something expensive but those little day-to-day things are so helpful.

What would you tell others who are going through something similar?

I would tell them to take it moment by moment. As hard as it may be, try not to focus on years, weeks, or even hours down the road. Give yourself time & grace. I hope you accept help and rely on your people. Now is the time for you to be selfish.

If you could go back and spend one more day with Chris, what would you do?

Oh my gosh. If I had him one more day I would want it to be a football Sunday. We would start the morning by taking our son out to breakfast. I would watch him prepare all of his favorite foods and play with our son. Then we would have some beers with family & friends with the games on. Then I would want to spend the evening cuddled together in the backyard with a cold drink.

Any resources that were helpful for you that others might be able to utilize?

With Chris in the military, TAPS has been an amazing resource for me to use as far as navigating benefits. If you lost someone who was in the military I highly suggest reaching out to TAPS. I found a therapist who has been able to use EMDR therapy. That specific type of therapy and this therapist have really helped me in ways I cannot express. Emotionally, my IG widow family has changed my life. My friends & family are so supportive, but it’s so different to have people who are living it. I just started following a ton of widow accounts. I try to support them by liking, commenting, and sharing their posts. Through that, connections are made & eventually direct messaging them. Everyone I’ve interacted with has been so supportive.

What brings you joy now?

Being outside in nature brings even more joy now than they did before. I can’t say enough how helpful it has been to just be with the important people in my life. I have found hope, healing, and love again in my new man. My son is starting to speak in sentences and it blows me away. I am so thankful for him everyday. And just recently, I have found myself being able to enjoy music again.

Anything else you’d like readers to know?

I just want you to remember no two stories of healing are the same. The grief we carry, like the love we shared, is unique. And because of that all of our paths will be different. I am so thankful we are able to use this IG community to make the topic less taboo while feeling supported and understood.

Want to learn more about Jess and her story? Check out her Instagram account, @jessmiller__1107.