Joanny Rodriguez

Loss of Husband, Robert, to suicide

Hi Joanny, What’s your story?

Hi my name is Joanny Rodriguez Bolick but everyone calls me JoJo. I’m originally from Queens, NY but grew up and spent the majority of my life in Charlotte, NC. I was born on Christmas Eve & I’m 25 years old. I’m one of 3 kids & the middle child & only girl to two immigrant Hispanic parents who are Dominican & Puerto Rican. I’m also a person in recovery.  I used to be a nanny for 7 years & in between that have been finishing school for counseling. My dream has always been to be a motivational speaker & an author & I’ve been working on those dreams through the years. I love writing & poetry. I’m a huge adrenaline chaser. Anything fun & related to traveling I’m in! I love enjoying life & every good part that comes with it. 

What was life like before the death of your husband, Robert?

Life before my husband Robert passed was wonderful, hard, tragic, beautiful, resilient & healing. My husband was the best man I knew. He taught me how to love & be loved. He healed wounds in me he didn’t cause. He kept me laughing 24/7 & every single day was an adventure. There were so many ups & downs that came with life but it was so beautiful. So many memories & big dreams we had of our life together. It was a whirlwind romance from the start & every day he swept me off my feet. I felt like the luckiest woman in the world.

You shared with me that Robert died by suicide. Can you share about the day he died (whatever you are comfortable sharing)?

The day leading up to it my husband & I were in recovery. We relapsed the day prior. We started arguing over the relapse & a lot of different emotions came up from our past. We were both in so much pain & the relapse only amplified that. I, against my better judgment while under the influence, decided to leave & get a breather. While I was gone all I remember is I got pulled over & given a DUI. I remember waking up in a crisis center. When I woke up & was finally released it was a Monday morning around 9-10am. When I got back home, my husband’s car was still outside & I saw all his things. I walked into our bedroom & saw his cell phone on the bed & saw a bag. I immediately opened up our closet to see if his clothes were still in there & I found my husband hanging in our closet. I immediately got him down & fell onto my knees with him just holding him. He was gone & had been for hours. My entire world changed & it felt like my soul left my body & died that day with him. 

Were there any warning signs that you were aware of?

For his actual suicide, no. Other than our relapse the night before. But we were doing better than ever prior to that. But looking back now, he was no longer on his MAT meds before (suboxone) & no longer taking his antidepressants. He had just started therapy beforehand which was helping, but ripped open a lot of old wounds of childhood trauma, guilt, shame & so much more. He had a previous attempt earlier in his life. But my husband carried so much pain with him his whole life. But no, I never thought it would end this way. Ever. He died one day before our very 1st wedding anniversary. He passed April 29, 2024, at 33 years old. 

A year and a half before Robert died, you lost a child to stillbirth. How did you cope with two such significant losses so close to each other?

We lost our son Mateo to stillbirth when I was almost 8.5 months pregnant. On the night of Dec 28, 2022, we were driving home & got into a freak accident on I-77 in Ft Mill, SC headed to Charlotte, NC. Someone had left their car parked in the 2nd most outer lane & it was 10:30 at night & dark. Come to find out their car was still moveable & never turned their hazards on, which did indeed work. 2 minutes prior to the accident I told him I had not felt Mateo kick in a while. He put his hand on my belly & our son kicked one last time. On impact, I broke my hip & shattered my pelvis, broke my pinky finger & had an immediate & full placenta abruption. My husband broke his finger & had horrible back pain. It was a freak accident. So my son was born sleeping on Dec 29, 2022. My husband passed exactly 16 months - to the day - after him. It’s been hard I won’t lie. When our son died, I felt like half of my soul died. When Robert died, it felt like the other half did. The first month I was frozen, stuck. Not moving anywhere. So lost in my grief. We were supposed to go to PR for an anniversary trip, I originally was going to stay home. But I decided to go cause I knew he would be with me. I found ways to smile & feel him on that trip but it was still hard. I put myself in treatment again & have been going through EMDR therapy. Communities like these & support groups & my family have been my saving grace. I would not still be here had it not been for the support & love.

What was a specific low point or struggle you experienced?

I think right after my husband’s death I went right back into a dark part of addiction & not wanting to be here. I felt my whole life was over & I had no reason to be here anymore. It felt like the world around me was still moving & it was!! But mine was stopped, it was frozen, it had crumbled & I didn’t know how to cope with the loss of the two people who mattered most to me in life. 

How did you manage to find joy in those low moments?

By remembering who my husband was & how pure our little boy was. Remembering my husband lived to make me smile, laugh, joyous, happy. By remembering all our hopes, dreams & aspirations together. I knew it was up to me to change my life & not just that, to honor theirs. 

How do you live life differently from before the loss (if at all)? Has your attitude about life shifted? Any unexpected changes?

I live differently by living every day with 0 regrets & like it’s my last. I let go of toxic relationships I was holding onto out of hope that something would change. I started to & still am working on living authentically me & being unapologetic about it. I have even more compassion for strangers cause I never know what’s going on in their lives & how just a smile or nice word can literally plant a seed or save someone’s life. I don’t take a second for granted cause no one is guaranteed tomorrow no matter their age. 

Suicide is a stigmatized loss that is often misunderstood. How has your widowhood experience been different from others who have a more “accepted” death?

It’s been very different both with his cause of death & my age. A lot of people think it’s easier I lost him when I was in my 20’s & him in his early 30’s because they believe I can & will move on & be able to find someone else. While yes, someone can find another partner. But that doesn’t change the loss & people are not replaceable, no matter how many decades go by, Robert will still not be here. You don’t move on from someone you lost, you move forward with them & the memories they left behind with you. Also, a lot of people try to point the finger at me, & assume he must be dead because of something I did or some moral failing, almost as if to shift blame or try to say it must have been for some reason! Also, with suicide I don’t hide the fact of how he died but some people who I don’t even know after I state how he passed want the traumatic details and ask “Well how did he do it?” As if they aren’t asking me to relive my worst memory. I have no problem sharing with other widows & someone who actually wants to help or be there. But I mean random comments on the Internet or those who want to gossip, it bothers me I’ll admit. 

What do you want others to know about grief?

I want others to know grief is not something that you just process through stages and TADA, it’s gone. It’s a lifelong journey & grief is here to stay. Yes, some days or weeks or years it may be lighter, & not as heavy, but grief is like a child who is growing up I used to say. Even when you get older, no matter the age, you just want to snuggle up to your mom & feel that love, warmth, and invitation. I no longer push it away. I welcome grief in. I remind myself, the greater the love, the greater the grief. So instead of a negative spin, I realize I grieve, because I loved. And that is so beautiful to me.

How can a person best be there to support a loved one who is grieving? How about specifically someone who lost a loved one to suicide?

Listen. Don’t try to “fix” someone’s grief, it can’t be fixed. But, it can be supported & welcomed in. Don’t hush it away, or tell someone to get over it. Also instead of asking someone if they need anything to let you know, do something kind anyway. I know for me asking someone for anything while grieving was too hard. But even sending a door dash gift card, or stopping over & bringing a meal or to just chat. I love when people tell me memories & say their names because some think it may hurt more to mention them. Loss will always hurt. But for me it hurts more when they aren’t mentions cause I don’t want them to be forgotten.

If you know someone who lost someone to suicide the best thing you can do is instead of asking someone how their loved one died, ask them how they lived. Ask them to share a memory, an endearing or funny quality, or photos. I want people to remember my husband for who he was, not his most painful moment & most tragic.

If you could say anything without worrying how others would react, what would you say?

Stop trying to assign blame for someone’s death & instead try to find ways to be there for those around you. Even strangers. If the world was a bit more kinder or more compassionate, who knows how much different it could be. Also not everything is so black & white.

If you could go back and spend one more day with Robert, what would you do?

Honestly, I would go back to one of our early dating days. We spent every second together. We would stay up till 3am talking, laughing, cuddling, crying together, holding one another. & I would just snuggle up in his arms all day. I would hear his laugh & look at his smile & make sure to never look away. I would cook him his favorite meal & just talk about everything one more time. I would savor every second.

Any resources that were helpful for you that others might be able to utilize?

I have a local suicide loss family member support group I go to, most cities have their own that can be found on Google. I also attend a local child loss support group through KinderMourn. Also on Facebook there is a private support group solely for suicide widows called “The Brave Ladies.” Also tons of other amazing widow/widower loss support groups online & the treatment center I attended in Encinitas, CA called AToN Center.

What brings you joy now?

Both the past, present & future. Knowing I got to be Mateos mom & Robert’s wife & I got to love both of them for the rest of their lives & will carry them with me for the rest of mine. Knowing I have today, & can sit in the present moment even if it feels hard. And knowing that what comes in the future can be so beautiful & amazing no matter how scary it may seem. 

Anything else you’d like readers to know?

If you’re struggling with mental health, addiction, loss, please know you are not alone in this. If you need anyone to talk to, please reach out to me. The world will only be a better place with you IN IT, not without you. 

Want to know more about Joanny and her story? Follow her on Instagram @itsmateosmommy, Tik Tok @soberjojo, or Facebook @Joanny Rodriguez Bolick.