Katie Mauriello
Loss of Mom and Brother, Kyle
Hi Katie, what’s your story?
I’m Katie, born, raised, and now stagnant in the northwestern suburbs of Chicago. I work at an office (just kidding, remote now!) in administration/registrar for an online college as my full-time. When I’m not doing that, I’m serving at a local, family owned brewery. I’ve been in the service industry for years and I really love beer, breweries, and good food! Spending time with my loved ones, playing board games, adventuring in nature, and chillin’ on my couch watching The Office or Parks and Rec with my cats are my favorite past times. I really love practicing modern calligraphy and I have an arm full of flower tattoos.
You told me that you lost your mom in April of 2018 and then, in December of that same year, your brother. Can you share about both those losses?
In March of 2018 I received a really frantic and unexpected call from my youngest brother, Kyle who was 19 at the time. My mom had collapsed, he tried to preform CPR to no avail, and he was waiting for the ambulance to arrive. Once they did, they were able to get her heart beating again and immediately rushed her to the hospital. My mom had suffered cardiac arrest and spent the next 8 days in the hospital’s ICU wing on life support. She was unable to make any progress or recover from the traumatic brain injury which was a result of the loss of oxygen to her brain while waiting for the paramedics. She passed away at 55 years old on April 8th, 2018, just about a month before her 56th birthday. I should add that my mom was a very severe alcoholic and smoker for all of my life, and these addictions aided to her passing away so young.
Just when my family thought 2018 couldn’t get any worse in terms of grief, on Christmas day 2018 I received a call from my aunt that my youngest brother Kyle had overdosed. When he was found, he had a very faint pulse and was rushed to the hospital where he was kept on life support for three days and passed away at the age of 20. We believe he was struggling with the loss of our mom and didn’t really know how to cope anymore. Both my mom and brother were organ donors and saved the lives of 10 people combined.
How did you cope in the immediate months after these losses?
I cried. A lot. I’m talking full breakdown booger scream-sobs. The loss of my mom hit me a lot harder than anything I’ve ever experienced in life. I bought a lot of books on grief, on loss of parents and siblings, but they kind of just sat on the shelf and collected dust. I talked to my friends who have gone through loss. I felt very alone, even though I was so surrounded with love and support. I was realistically less alone than I ever have been in my whole life but it was hard to come out of that mindset. I joined grief groups on social media, read other people’s stories of their losses, and began to find myself again. Art helped, calligraphy helped, taking time to focus on myself and grow while remembering the times I spent with my mom and brother helped.
What was a specific low point or struggle you experienced?
Being angry. Of course, anger is a completely normal reaction to your loved one dying, but when my brother passed away I was pissed. I was mad at him for being an addict and putting my dad through more pain. I was mad at myself for not doing more to help him cope with the loss of our mom. I felt a lot of guilt and anger. I distanced myself from the people who love me because I felt like a burden. Also planning a memorial and not being able to have a proper funeral for either of my loved ones was so fucking hard. We didn’t have money, it was so unexpected and though we got some donations through crowdsourcing (thank you to all those amazing people!) none of us had ever been through something like this in such a short amount of time. It was so hard. I still feel guilty about that.
How did you manage to find joy in those low moments?
Photos, videos, voicemails, memories. I’ve held on to these precious things. At my mom’s memorial we got a memory book and everyone who attended put a little memory or story about my mom in it. It still makes me smile. Talking about my mom and Kyle, talking about my grief my loss, my story, with anyone and everyone willing to listen. Educating people on addiction. I quit smoking. I created a close relationship with my dad and other brother, Daniel—we were never a very tight-knit family and now I feel as if I could tell them anything.
How do you live life differently from before the losses (if at all)? Has your attitude about life shifted? Any unexpected changes?
My life is so different. I got out of a very unhappy, unhealthy, and toxic marriage and have never looked back. My attitude about life has shifted greatly. I’m an advocate. I’m not afraid to be myself and live my life. I came out as a lesbian to my very supportive family and friends. Before, I was afraid of change and to be me. My grief gave me hope and pushed me to understand that what I deserve in my life is to LIVE it and not hide who I am.
What do you want others to know about grief?
It fucking sucks. My best friend who lost her sister a few years back told me something I’ll repeat forever and that is “It doesn’t get better, it just gets more manageable.” And nothing has ever rung truer. You’ll think about your loved one and your loss every day. You have a decision, though. You can let grief take you and wallow in your misery (which is NORMAL) or you can stand up and work through it. Work on yourself, remind yourself that death is inevitable and it hurts and it’s fucking awful—but there are people who look up to you or will seek YOU for advice when they are hurting and that’s what helps me. I love to share my story and my struggles to help people going through similar things. I’m not a therapist, I don’t always say the right thing. Sometimes it’s even the completely wrong thing. But I know from my own experience it just feels GOOD to talk to someone who gets it. Be that person for other people.
How can a person best be there to support a loved one who is grieving?
I’ll make it simple, be there. Sometimes you don’t even have to say a word. Just be present. Ask if you can come over and just sit. If you do feel like talking, check up on them, ask how they’re doing. Remind them that their emotions and grief are totally normal and it’s ok to feel the way they feel. It’s normal to scream, cry, be angry, and feel nothing. Send a postcard, a sticker, a reminder that they aren’t alone. Share your story, make it relatable.
If you could go back and spend one more day with your mom, what would you do? How about your brother?
I would say sorry to my mom for being such an asshole teenager. I’d honestly just spend as much time as I could with her and show her how much she means to me, Same with Kyle. I’d try to be more present with my brother. Keep him on the right track and support him so much more anytime he fell off the wagon.
Any resources that were helpful for you that others might be able to utilize?
Honestly, I didn’t have many resources. I did listen to a TedTalk by Nora McInerny, an amazing and inspiring woman who miscarried and then lost her husband and father within a few weeks. “We don’t move on from grief, we move forward with it” was a really insightful listen.
What brings you joy now?
Being alive! When I was 17 I got what at the time might have been a stupid tattoo. It says “alive” in script on my foot. I don’t know why I got it. I guess I was just happy to be alive that day, and at 17….getting tattoos for no reason is cool….right? But today, it’s a reminder that I am alive. I get to choose the path of my life. I get to be happy because I made the decision to finally live and be my true self. Also, my family, friends, cats, Netflix, coffee, calligraphy, my serving job. Ya know, all the good things.
Anything else you’d like readers to know?
Stop feeling like your grief is a burden. Your people care about you. I care about you. I’ll listen when you feel like you’re alone in the world.
Want to know more about Katie and her story? Follow her on Instagram @k8sondra.