Melissa Abbott
Death of husband, Todd, to Covid
Hi Melissa! Tell us, what’s your story?
My name is Melissa and I’m a 42-year-old widow from Alabama. I have been left to raise our two teenage daughters all alone. I homeschool our daughters and always enjoyed the outdoors and spending every moment with my husband and girls. I’m a very compassionate person who wears her heart on her sleeve, but has a tough exterior from years of unresolved trauma.
What was life like before the death of your husband, Todd?
It was just the 4 of us…my husband, me, and our two daughters 16 and 13. He was the provider for us and I stayed home to homeschool our daughters. He did everything to take care of us financially…he was such a good caretaker. On weekends we were always together doing things as a family - going on hikes, having picnics, playing kickball in the front yard, movie time…whatever it was, he was there with us.
We were the family that were always together, enjoying the small moments. He was such a good father and husband. He treated me like a queen. He would come home from work and still do things to help me around the house. His smile lit up the room and he never met a stranger. He was a servant to anyone he met. We didn’t live extravagantly, just simply and we were happy that way.
“Prayer is nice, but don’t use that as your only source of help. God tells us to be the hands and feet, we can’t hide behind our prayers thinking that we’ve done enough. Grief doesn’t just stop after you’ve dropped off the cake.”
You shared with me that Todd died from covid. Can you share about his initial diagnosis and time in the hospital?
My daughters and I came down with it first. He quarantined away from us and was still going to work. He tested positive on September 1 and they just tested him and sent him home…gave him no protocol, meds, or anything. On September 5, his 43rd Birthday, his oxygen dropped and we took him to the ER where they found he had double pneumonia. They sent him home with oxygen and some meds. When he wasn’t getting better and his oxygen wasn’t going up, I took him to another ER and they did nothing but send him home again. The next morning we went to another ER where he was admitted into the hospital and from there everything got worse.
I had no control over his Healthcare choices, they went against my wishes and did everything they wanted no matter what I said. They were the wardens, my husband was the prisoner. He was vented against my wishes and after that his health declined rapidly. He died days later. I was only allowed to see him when he was dying, as if the Covid germs stopped then! He was alone the whole time. I was only able to communicate with him a few times before he was vented because of nurses that allowed him to use their phones.
What rules and regulations were enforced by the hospital? How did you handle those?
I asked for certain meds and supplements only to be denied for no valid reason. I was told by the doctor that he wasn’t going to listen to what I Googled and if it kept up I would be on a need-to-know basis only. I was still overcoming fatigue and repercussions from having Covid - I hadn’t slept in days. I should have fought harder, but I was afraid my temper was going to get the best of me and I would be arrested and not be able to be there for my husband.
I wasn’t allowed to see him until he was vented and the day he was dying - their reasoning was because of Covid. My husband and I both had Covid together and the floor was only Covid patients. They only let me in for a short while to see him, but said after that I could only stand in the hall and look at him through the glass, like an animal in the zoo! All the while if I stand in the hall I’m picking up all of the other patient’s germs. There is no logic or sanity to it!
“Not only do you lose a spouse, but a best friend, a provider, a lover, a confidant, and half of yourself. It’s a grief unlike others.”
What about the day he died? Can you walk us through that experience?
I was still hoping and praying for a miracle. The money had been donated to hire a prominent lawyer that specifically dealt with issues like ours, but it wasn’t soon enough. The morning of September 17th they called to tell me he had taken a turn for the worse. I went to be with him and held his hand as he died. I always had the fear of becoming a widow, I just never imagined it would be at 41 and in the prime of my life, with 2 children to raise on my own.
Were you able to have the funeral or memorial service you wanted or were there restrictions because of the pandemic?
Thankfully I was able to have everything that was planned - they couldn’t get a particular song to play, but other than that, it went OK. I was surprised at the turnout. The ones who had valid reasons to not come because of immune compromising issues were there at my husband's funeral. My close friend of 13 years chose to not come, but instead asked my daughter to FaceTime her dad’s funeral! She didn’t want to catch something, although she works retail and attended other large functions.
We are in this very unique time where so many people are being forced to grieve while in isolation. How did you manage that?
While my husband was in the hospital my daughters and I felt so alone. It was very depressing having no one to comfort us during such an unbearable time. A few people would drop food off on our porch, but we still felt so alone...there was no connection or physical touch when needed so badly at a time like this.
How did friends and family support you - both during his illness and then after he died?
During his illness, people were somewhat there for us emotionally and physically. People were praying from all over the world for his healing. But like they say, after the funeral, when I buried my husband everyone obviously thought I buried my grief too. My daughters and I have never felt so alone and abandoned by supposed friends and family. Everyone expects you to call and reach out to them asking for help. While some may be able to do that, it has never been my personality to ask for help, and grieving doesn’t change that - it only amplifies it. What hurts the most, is knowing how much my husband did for others and to see how we’ve been treated is very discouraging and hopeless.
Does the fact that covid is seen as a collective trauma, make you feel more connected and supportive in your grief or does it make you feel like your loss is more easily minimized or dismissed?
It helps knowing there are others going through the same thing and hearing their stories, but then it seems as if you’re being put into a category that’s not being recognized as much because of the stigmas associated with this pandemic.
How does it make you feel constantly seeing the cause of your husband’s death all over the news/social media/etc.?
I have always stayed away from news/media outlets, even before my husband’s death because it always brings me down. I still have a lot of numbness towards all of it. But there is a lot of anger behind it all because I believe things that others have been blinded by and have not been led into the lies/conspiracy that others have. So, I stay away from it at all costs to prevent the anger from taking over. Because in reality my husband was actually murdered. I also hold onto a lot of guilt on my part.
You have experienced other major losses in your life. What has it been like to grieve the loss of your husband on top of the grief you were already experiencing?
This grief is like no other that I have experienced. My father’s suicide was very traumatic - physically and emotionally. My health took a downward spiral and was just recovering from it and now this. Not only do you lose a spouse, but a best friend, a provider, a lover, a confidant, and half of yourself. It’s a grief unlike others. I feel as if I’m being punished or cursed. It almost feels as of I’m experiencing an out-of-body experience.
How have you managed to find joy in the low moments?
To be honest, I’m still not able to find much joy. I keep going for the sake of my daughters who need me more than ever. We do things to keep us busy and distracted from this nightmare we’re living. We like to travel and just do things that bring us small moments of happiness - shopping, and movies. My hope in seeing him one day is what keeps me going.
Any words of wisdom you would give to others in a similar situation?
I’m still trying to learn myself, but one thing I’m trying to focus on is learning how to heal in the midst of others letting me down. It’s hard because you want to be treated as you have treated others and when you don’t have that outcome it’s very discouraging. So the only thing I have to offer now is to appreciate the ones who are there for you and know what a blessing they are. Supportive people never take away what happened, but they ease some of the burdens and bring some relief at the most desperate times in your life.
How do you live life differently from before the loss? Has your attitude about life shifted?
My life has done a complete 360. I no longer associate with the people my husband and I socialized with. I can’t sleep in our bedroom or eat at our dinner table - too many good memories revolve around those areas. I feel like a prisoner in my own home. I contemplate moving because of the memories, but It’s bittersweet. The memories are why I want to leave, but they’re also what keeps me here. I’m trying to not make rash decisions right now.
My personality has even changed from the way I eat, dress, and act. I don’t have many interests anymore and feel guilty if I ever experience a small moment of joy. My outlook on life has become very hopeless, not only from the circumstances life has dealt me, but also from the disappointments of others. It has made me realize how cold the world has gotten and although I was a very empathetic person, it has caused me to want to reach out to those in need even more, especially to those who others never reach out to. Doing for others is what helps me put my focus elsewhere.
What do you want others to know about grief?
Grief never ends. There aren’t set stages in an order of what’s to come…it’s all over the place - your emotions. It’s the same as losing a limb and learning to live life again without it. The limb never grows back for you to go back to living as before. Others need to work harder at being here for you. We don’t have the mentality to orchestrate what you can do for us. Prayer is nice, but don’t use that as your only source of help. God tells us to be the hands and feet, we can’t hide behind our prayers thinking that we’ve done enough. Grief doesn’t just stop after you’ve dropped off the cake.
How can a person best be there to support a loved one who is grieving?
Just constantly reach out and be there for them. Don’t give up if the first or second phone call isn’t answered. Don’t expect us to reach out or ask for help or tell you what you can do. Just do what you know to do. If you see a need, come out of your comfort zone and do it. Put yourself in our shoes.
If you could go back and spend one more day with Todd, what would you do?
Tell him how much I love and appreciate him, love and hug all over him, apologize for all my wrongs towards him, and make sure he knew how much I loved him and how sorry I was for all of my mistakes in our marriage. Thank him for choosing me and being a wonderful husband and father.. and try to take his place instead, so that he could still be here.
Any resources that were helpful for you that others might be able to utilize?
I was never much of a Social Media person before, but since have resorted to it as my therapy…it helps to have a community of other widows that understand the pain like me.
What brings you joy now?
Just spending time with my daughters and doing things together that take our minds off of our reality.
Anything else you’d like readers to know?
That it’s ok to be unhappy, negative, or down. The circumstances are justification enough to experience all of these feelings. The world has amplified positivity in a toxic way that is not healing or helpful. We are made to feel bad for being sad.
Want to learn more about Melissa and her story? Check out her Instagram account, @the_breathing_widow.