Audrey Gonyora

Loss of Husband, Joseph

Hi Audrey! Tell us, what’s your story?

My name is Audrey Kudzai Gonyora. I’m 25 years old and I am from Zimbabwe. I am lawyer but not practicing yet. I’m still deciding which route to take my career and, to be honest, that has taken a bit longer than I expected - but who is rushing me anyway? I normally spend my time parenting in addition to nurturing my new baby - my podcast on loss and grief. That takes up much of my time but its all worth it!

Apart from that, I do a lot of social media! Its fun and it keeps me happy. I’m normally on social media hunting memes so that I can save other souls out there from their depression with some laughs here and there. My weird talent is being able to imitate the voice and tone of whoever I’m talking to! This just happens and its weird, I know lol! I can even imitate a person’s laugh as we converse.

What was your life like leading up to the loss of your husband?

I met my husband, Joseph on February 11, 2013 - the first day of college. When I set my eyes on him in that Law of Persons class, I knew he was the one. We were in a foreign land (South Africa) and I said one word in my native language and he turned back to confirm what his ears had heard. His first words to me were “Do you speak Shona? Are you from Zimbabwe?“ That was the beginning of the best 6 years of my life!!

We dated throughout college. We were in the same class, same modules - we literally did everything together. We even got our names tattooed on each other’s wrists. That’s how deep the connection was. He became my best friend, lover, partner in everything, soulmate, anything you can think of. Fast forward to 5 years later we got married and had our baby boy.

And then what happened?

Life was great until one day when he had a heart attack at work. My heart skipped for a moment. The thought of losing him scared the shit out of me. That was in October 2018. He recovered a week later and we continued on with life. Exactly a month later from the first attack, he got another one whilst we were on a weekend away with his best friend and his girlfriend. This time shit was real. Unlike the first heart attack, I witnessed this one. I watched him struggle to breathe. I watched him panic … I watched him trying to be strong ..I watched him die…

The ambulance took forever to arrive and when it finally did he was no more. At first I thought it was a joke. I tried waking him up but he was gone. Just like that. 5 months into the marriage, I became a 24 year old widow with a 3 months old baby boy.

How did you cope after that?

On November 25, 2018 my life changed. I couldn’t believe what was happening and it all seemed to be happening too fast. Deep in the woods at the lake where we had gone to spend the weekend, I was crying my heart out and begging God to bring him back to life. I cried, I prayed, nothing changed. He was gone and his last words were “Guys, come let us pray.”

I regretted not being able to face him and pray with him when he made that request. I just couldn’t stomach the thought of being a young widow. I waited for family to arrive so that I could cry some more. Seeing both his family and my family arrive at the scene killed me. It was really happening. I cried nonstop. I felt God’s betrayal. I was so angry at the people in the chalet next to ours, who I had called out to for help. They had ignored me in the cold night. I cursed them and prayed they would die a painful death. I hated his best friend’s faulty car that had refused to start in order for us to dash to the hospital with him. I was so bitter. I blamed everything and everyone. I couldn’t pray for a very long time. I didn’t see the point in praying to a God that left my good-hearted husband to die.

I cried almost everyday for a good month. I was scared to sleep alone for a very long time thinking one day he would appear in my room as a ghost. In our culture, it is believed that when a spouse dies he might cause the surviving spouse to die too or their children. So this was my fear. Thinking because of the great bond we had, that I would die too. But that didn’t happen. I lived to marinate in the pain of my loss.

I didn’t cope well in those first 2 months. I was usually home and had all the time to cry. However in the third month, I decided to get back on my feet. I went back to work and that helped me a great deal. I had less time to focus on my pain. I went from crying everyday, to three times a week, then to once a week until I didn’t cry at all. I recovered in good speed and I started adjusting to my new normal. My crying became occasional. Like something had to trigger my emotions for me to breakdown.

“It’s ok to be happy after loss - there’s no need to feel bad about it. It doesn’t mean you are forgetting the dead. It simply means you are choosing to live again.”

What about a low point? Anything you particularly struggled with after Joseph died?

I have a couple of low points. Most were my son’s milestones. When he started crawling, walking, talking and when he turned one. I wanted his dad to be a part of all that but it wasn’t going to happen and that crushed my soul. I had to plan his first birthday alone and pick a theme that I thought his dad would have. I kept doing everything with him in mind and that was hard and heartbreaking for me.

How did you manage to find joy in those low moments?

For his birthday, I threw him a party and invited all my friends and family. We focused on him and the party. That took away my sadness for a while. I celebrated my son with people closest to me and it really made the day a little less sad and emotional. That’s how I managed to find joy! With regards to his milestones, for example when he started crawling, I went out with my big brother and celebrated that milestone. That helped me a lot. Instead of being emotional, I made it a big deal that my son had started crawling and I made it worth celebrating. So yeah, I drank to it!

How do you live life differently now?

I haven’t really changed much except that now I don’t sweat the small stuff. I know there is much more serious shit, like death, so I don’t waste my feelings on silly things. I don’t allow stupid things to take away my peace.

Also, I don’t make it a habit to plan ahead anymore. I’m just at a point where I feel that whether I plan ahead or not, whatever God decides will happen anyway and I don’t have any influence. So that’s the new attitude I roll with.

You talked about your faith and relationship with God and how angry you were with Him in the immediate days/months after your husband died. Has that shifted at all?

Honestly, i don’t know. I can go for a week or two without praying. Then, on some days i sort of pray almost everyday.

To be honest the days i pray or read the bible are fewer and I cry the most when i go to church. Every time when I’m in church, i feel that betrayal. I really want to get back on prayer but I’m failing. I just continue to live on most days. There’s no strength or urgency to pray.

What do you want others to know about grief?

Grief is real! One can suffer depression or even die in the process. If you know anyone grieving, just try and be there for that person in anyway you can. Not everyone can manage their own grief.

How can a person best be there to support a person who is grieving?

Call the person who is grieving, just to check in on them regularly, so that they don’t feel alone. Don’t say stuff like “I know how you feel,” or “Everything happens for a reason,” or “OMG what happened to you is terrible!” Like seriously, people should stop saying so many words. Most times the words do more harm than good. I think just saying sorry is enough or just calling in to check on the person.

What would you tell others who are going through something similar?

It’s true that time makes it better. You aren’t always going to be feeling the way you are feeling right now. It will get better with time and don’t rush yourself. The healing will come naturally. Also allow yourself to be happy. It’s ok to be happy after loss - there’s no need to feel bad about it. It doesn’t mean you are forgetting the dead. It simply means you are choosing to live again.

Any grief resources that were helpful for you?

To be honest, I don’t think any external resources helped me. I tried counseling once and I felt like it was a waste of time. I feel grief is an individual process, therefore anyone grieving must find what makes them cope better. Personally, I found maintaining my social life very helpful. I hung out with friends. I went out and talked about my feelings a lot. I didn’t bottle my emotions, and that helped me heal faster.

What brings you joy now? 

My son, my family and my friends. When I look at my son, I see God’s grace. Even though I still don’t approve of what happened to me, I’m truly grateful that a whole baby boy came out of the situation. I adore my son and in him, I find strength to go on.

My family has been my strongest support system and they have also brought me a lot of courage and joy. Most importantly they have made parenting a lot easier for me. Everyone is hands on when it comes to my son.

My friends have been real and they keep on looking out for me and that makes me really happy. Every time we get together we have a blast. I can safely say most of them worked overtime to help me move forward.

Anything else you’d like readers to know?

Life is very short. We should all cherish the now and create as many memories as we can. Only now is certain - everything else, no one knows!

Want to know more about Audrey and her story? Follow her on Instagram at @heraftehimpodcast or check out her podcast, Her After Him.