Melissa Smith
Loss of Mom and Dad within a year of each other
Hi Melissa! Tell us, what’s your story?
Hello! My name is Melissa but my friends call me Mel. I was born and raised in Michigan, spending most of my childhood Up North in Arcadia, MI. What a childhood that was, my parents owned the one grocery store in our no stoplight town, where we spent many days, but even more were spent at the beach. My siblings and I, (I am the middle child of three) grew up outside, barefoot and I wouldn’t have had it any other way. As we got older we moved around Northern Michigan and then even out to Montana. All of these moves have not only shaped the extroverted personality I have today, but a forever traveler spirit.
When describing who I am - it has changed over the years - but to keep it simple, I am an early childhood education enthusiast, baker and traveler. Not only did I get my degree in Early Childhood but I have made a career in it! I love kids and I am proud to work in the childcare industry. When I am not at work I am home, in Suttons Bay, MI baking up a storm for my At-Home Bakery, Sweet Bee’s. And when I am not at home, I am traveling somewhere, playing tourist in Northern Michigan, visiting family downstate, or on a flight to who knows where!
You told me that you lost your mom to cancer - can you share a little bit about her diagnosis and her experience with cancer?
Like I said before when describing “who I am” it has changed over the years - this is a big part of that. Who I was before my mother was diagnosed with cancer is different than who I am today. My mother was diagnosed with stage four stomach cancer in June of 2017. Prior to that she was as healthy as could be. Then, with some stressful life changes, she began to lose weight and the signs continued. After a series of doctors appointments and tests she was diagnosed. My mother never heard a timeline, she just knew she was going to fight for whatever time she had left. She fought an uphill battle with chemo for six months until she passed away. Fitting that into just a few sentences feels crazy to me because it was so much more than that.
I know first hand how difficult, beautiful, and heart wrenching it can be to be a caregiver to a parent. What was that like for you?
Being a caregiver for my mother was an honor. I wish everyday I could go back to one more day to care for her. After my mother was diagnosed it all moved so quickly. Within a few weeks, my mother was told her immune system was too low so she began getting restrictions, one being space from children or those who interact with them, as they are high risk. As a preschool director soon I knew there was no way I was going to be kept from my mother. So the day I got the news, I walked into my amazing boss’ office and informed her of the situation. I quit my job, left a relationship of three years, packed up my car with me and my mother's Newfoundland dog, and I moved from Montana to Michigan, where my mother was. I called her on my way saying, I am coming, she replied “you are not, Melissa Barbra”. I never looked back!
The next four months consisted of chemo appointments every other week, fluid drainings during the off weeks, meal prep, household work, medication schedules, medical bills, and a whole lot of quality time. During this time the house quickly was turning into, what felt like, a medical supply store. But with all this the most important was quality time. Did I mention we were living at my grandma's house? So that is three generations of Irish Armenian women all under one roof - and we threw in caregiving to spice it up. Talk about a reality TV show - the material was there.
We laughed when we could, we watched every episode of HGTV’s Fixer Upper, Say Yes to the Dress, and (against my mother's will) the Hallmark Channel. We attempted adult coloring books, but we didn’t like staying in the lines so we would go right back to our shows. My mom was a Chip and Jo expert. She would walk into a room and let me know exactly how she would fix it up with trim and shiplap. My favorite job was mail time! Receiving an abundance of cards, packages, flowers showing support and love for my mom.
These four months were the hardest, most emotional, and absolute BEST four months of my life. I would give anything to go back for one more 3am phone call from my mom saying “oh did I wake you?” “No mom I am wide awake ;)” “Oh well since you are up can I please get a popsicle?” And I would go to hang up and she would say, “Don’t forget to grab two - I don't want to eat alone.”
Any words of wisdom you would give to others in a similar situation?
Oh goodness. Enjoy every moment. I know that is cheesy but I mean it. Enjoy every task, every tear and laugh. As time went on the laughs became less and the tears became more present but all I have to say is whatever the emotion is, take it in. Let yourself feel whatever you are feeling it's all part of the caregiving role. For me, as my mom was getting sicker, my duties became more medical related, which led to a whole new skill set I never knew prior. I would research best practices, talk to our nurses and doctors, and practice everything I could to make sure I was providing the best care. Caregiving is a full time job and when the care you are providing is for a loved one, it can add a whole range of emotions. So give yourself some room to breathe, some time to take it all in, not over do it, give yourself a break! This will ultimately help your caregiving duties because you will be in a much healthier place to help.
Can you tell us a little about the day your mom died?
We lost our mother on December 31st, 2017. Prior to this, my brother had flown over the holidays to spend time and help when needed with care for our mom. During this time my mom was adamant on me getting a break, and I fought back, saying this was not necessary. But she could see how tired I was, better than I could see it in myself. So the day after Christmas we made a deal: I would go Up North to visit my friends for two days and then come back if she promised to eat and stay up on her care. So, I taught my aunt and brother all of the caregiving tasks and I woke up really early the next day, went and said goodbye to my mom and left. Little did I know that was the last time I would ever say goodbye.
As true Northern Michigan fashion we received a crazy winter storm, not even the snow plows were out, so my return date of Saturday was pushed back. I remember calling my mom and her saying, “Please stay and relax, everything is fine here. I want you to experience some happiness.”
Sunday came and I woke up early, texted my mom, “Snow or not, I am coming home.” She never saw this text. I received the gut-wrenching call from my brother, as he conferenced my sister and I in. In the most stoic way, my little brother informed us our mother had passed away that morning. I pause after typing this - this never gets easier to say.
I'd like to say the day was a blur after the phone call, but it wasn't. I remember every heart wrenching minute that passed that day. Crying, my best friends packing my things and getting me into my car, driving me 4 hours downstate, as I made calls. The first calls are miserable. repeating over and over again your loved one has passed and you will give details at a later date. My sister and I divided the calls. I called family and my close friends. They all cried with me. I made it to my grandma's house, where my mom’s sister and her kids were, my grandma and my brother. We waited for my sister and brother-in-law, who were flying in from Montana. We were busy coordinating and communicating and many tears shed in between. Planning a Funeral on a holiday is NOT easy.
On December 31st, 2017, I didn’t just lose my mom. With her went my full time job as a caregiver, my new home of just four months (Grandma Lil’s house), and every vision I had of my future (seems dramatic? It’s not, my mom was in 99% of my future plans). I had to rediscover my life’s purpose. Because a life without my mom was just not a life I wanted. Okay, and let’s be honest I didn’t know my life’s purpose before either but I knew all I needed to, I had my mom to get me through everything.Now I am trying to figure out how to continue on without my mom and all I can think of doing is calling her to ask what to do. Now this is not an option, for obvious reasons.
And then, to add an additional layer of grief, a year later, you lost your dad. Can you speak a little about his death.
My father passed away on December 24th, 2018. Not even a year after my mother's passing. My father lost his life to suicide. He had been struggling with mental illness for an extended period of time. This brought on emotions that were unforeseen. Left with questions that couldn't be answered, blame that I struggled to not claim, filled with confusion from feelings of anger and sadness all mixed together. Through all this realizing that at age 24 I had now lost both of my parents.
What was life like in the immediate weeks after you lost your parents? How did you cope?
About a week after I lost my mother, I remember my siblings sitting down with me in my grandma's living room and telling me that they would not leave until they knew I had a plan for my next steps. My brother was heading to work in Oklahoma and my sister and brother-in-law to Boston.
So what was my plan? Initially, I moved in with my Aunt and Uncle to give myself some time. Over the next few weeks I connected with my support system and after many offers of them opening their homes to me, I went “Wild” as they say. My grandma bought me the biggest road atlas they make. I opened to the first full map of the United States and I started marking dots of potential stops and drawing lines. Before you knew it I had lines all over, taking me from the Midwest to the West Coast and back over to the East.
I’m sure many of you are familiar with the story by Cheryl Strayed titled Wild. - whether you have read the book, seen the movie, or simply passed the book on the shelf in the store. I can relate to Cheryl through the dreadful life altering experience of losing my mother at a young age of 23, but the difference in our stories is I went “wild” a little differently.
Instead of hiking up the west coast I decided to pack up my car and road trip across the United States. I went to new places with old friends and old places with new friends. Sometimes I drove 14 hours in a day and others maybe one. I took two months to travel to 22 states, putting over 8,500 miles on my car. I listen to hours of podcast (Things You Should Know was a favorite of mine), audio books (comedies so I wouldn't fall asleep), and A LOT of music. I ate a whole lot of delicious food - sushi in Seattle was to die for, street tacos in San Diego that took tacos to another level, biscuits in Nashville that made me consider moving to Nashville for the sole purpose of daily access to the biscuits, and that is just to name a few.
I spent time with people who knew my story and wouldn’t judge if I laughed and cried in the same sentence (this became a regular occurrence in my grief journey). Ultimately this made the infamous travel bug catch on fire and I couldn't stop.
I took my year into flight and planned a seven week backpacking trip through Europe. I visited five countries during this time and learned more about myself than I ever thought possible. Traveling is healing in so many ways. For me, I told myself to breath and take a year for an adventure. I never could have imagined the adventure that I embarked on. One backpack, seven weeks, five countries, two thousand photos, and a whole bunch of new friends.
What was a specific low point or struggle you experienced? How did you manage to find joy in those low moments?
My first Mother's Day was one of the worst moments I could remember and I wish I could forget. It wasn’t even the actual day, it was everything leading up to it. All the ads, commercials, billboards, advertising in the grocery stores. I remember it was the Friday before and everything had just built up and I just woke up feeling a very heavy weight. I did not leave my bed that day. I just could not put my feelings into words, the amount of loneliness and sadness I felt was immeasurable. It was the first time I felt jealous of everyone who had their moms and was preparing to celebrate that weekend. This low point did not last more than that day, I had a pretty great support system to pull me out. By the time Sunday came around I was with my Aunt and she took me to the Home Depot garden section and just let me go nuts. Going home and planting that Mother's Day was exactly what I needed. I decided that day, that this is how I will spend this day every year. It has made a huge difference. This day for me is still difficult but I redirect the pain into something positive (well, I try my best).
How do you live life differently from before the loss? Has your attitude about life shifted?
A life without my parents was never a life I imagined living. I talked to my mom every single day, my dad a few times a week, and visited often, as I lived only two hours away. I told them everything, so not having them to call when I get off work to talk about my day, or while I’m walking through Costco, or go “for a run” but walk and talk to them instead, was something that took me a while to get used to.
I feel (and have been told) I matured “beyond my years” with the loss of my parents. The way I prioritize the big and little things is different now. I have always been a people person and now I feel even more that I prioritize people first. I focus on quality time. I do whatever I can to visit my loved ones, no matter the distance. I used to have to practice how to say no, now I've become quite good at it. I still love to do social things and be around others, but I now have limits. I never thought I would actually want to have alone time. To put this in perspective, my mom used to challenge me to sit in silence, no music, tv, nothing and just be for only five minutes. And let me tell you, I failed.
I would not say my attitude on life has shifted greatly just as I mentioned more my priorities have. Everything happens for a reason - I have to believe this because if I didn’t, finding positive things in life would be incredibly difficult. As cheesy as it sounds, there has been sunshine on even the darkest grief days, so it gives me hope in this life I am living without my parents physical presence.
What do you want others to know about grief?
I am still learning. Its been three years since I lost my mother and two since I lost my dad. I am no grief expert, but I have learned to let yourself be where you are, allow yourself to feel whatever feelings you are experiencing, and know it is okay. It is okay to change your plans last minute because you just aren’t feeling it, it is okay to say no, it is okay to have pajama days, it is okay to laugh, it is okay to have fun and go out. I've learned my parents would hate if I let them negatively affect my life so I allow myself to grieve but making sure I don’t let it take over.
How can a person best be there to support a loved one who is grieving?
Show up. It does not have to be physically. Showing up for your grieving loved one can be a knock on their door with a pizza and ice cream, but there are a lot of ways you can “show up” without physically being there. Call, text, Facetime, send an email, write a letter, mail a care package (Lovingly Box is my favorite). Whatever It is, just show the loved one that you haven't forgotten. Everyone shows up at the beginning but when it counts is when all that goes away, when everyone returns to work, home and their lives and your loved one is still experiencing the grief full force. I remember I was going through the grocery store a week or two after and somebody was being rude and I just wanted to scream “Don’t you know my mom is dead?” Life goes on, but when you are grieving it takes a while. So be there for those, ask them about their loved one, listen to them, just be there.
What would you tell others who are going through something similar?
There are a lot of crappy days but for all the crappy ones, there are double the good ones. So on the crappy ones, reach out, ask for help, let people listen, do something your loved ones would have loved. Then on the good days, take it in, enjoy every minute and remember, there are a lot more of these days to come.
Any resources that were helpful for you that others might be able to utilize?
“Dead Moms Club” by Kate Spencer is the greatest thing that ever happened to me. Its real, raw and hilarious. I felt like she was writing about our journey with my mom with cancer. She was spot on.
What brings you joy now?
My people, my job, my bakery and home.
Let me explain. My people range from my siblings, my extended family, my boyfriend, and my close friends. They are my rocks, I would not be where I am today without them. My job is the best, I am a Coordinator for the Children's Educational Services Department at Munson Medical Center, aka I am still going to Summer Camp. I have the best boss, co-workers, and kiddos! Then finally my joy comes from creations in the kitchen in my little home in Suttons Bay, MI. This is where I started my at-home bakery a year ago and that has brought me more joy than I ever could have imagined! Working the farmers market on Saturdays in Suttons Bay has quickly become the best part of my week. I love getting to share a passion of mine with those around me! I am very blessed to call Leelanau County home. Living where people vacation is a pretty sweet deal.
Anything else you’d like readers to know?
You are not alone, not ever.
Want to know more about Melissa and her story? Follow her on Instagram at @sweetbeesmi or @mel_smith406.