Bay Nordstrom
Loss of Dad, Freddy to cancer
Hi Bay! Tell us, what’s your story?
My name is Bay Nordstrom. I spend my time between Denver Colorado and Suttons Bay, Michigan. My family has been in Suttons Bay since the early 1900s. I am a 5th grade literacy teacher and started a cut flower company with my mom (Bay Meadow Farms!) this past year. I mostly spend my time with my sweet dog Winnie, watching Bon Appetite test kitchen videos or other silly shows, or crafting. I am very into felting, weaving, and learning about herbs, tarot, crystals, and history! I have 3 college degrees in all different subjects and worked in NYC in the fashion industry (what seems like a life time ago!).
Can you talk about your life before your loss?
I was pretty selfish and carefree. I had just graduated from college and moved home to “figure it out.” This mainly meant working at the local ski resort, partying with my friends and planning on moving to New York City. Most of my time was spent living in the moment and doing the things that I enjoyed.
You lost your dad to cancer. Can you share about his diagnosis?
I was actually in Suttons Bay before I “moved to NYC” with no plan the next month. It happened to be my birthday and my dad didn’t call me. This was so odd because he had tended to over call me! So I ended up calling him and his friend answered the phone and said I needed to talk to my dad because there were some bad health issues going on.
Anyways, he told me he had what he thought was colon cancer (as that was where the tumor was) and that I needed to come home. I was making a pie with the local neighbor kids (who were much younger than me), so I didn’t cry or react much, but I did call my brother. It was pretty shocking because I went from being on the phone to seeing him in the hospital weighing 100 lbs with a massive tumor outside of his body. He ended up having to stay in the hospital for three weeks.
Prior to this, my dad had said he was having hemorrhoid issues, but never mentioned he had been diagnosed with cancer about 15 years earlier, and never told my brother and i. My dad lost both his parents before he was 18 and my parents divorced when I was 5. My mom later told me he told her about the original diagnosis but she didn’t feel it was her place to tell us. By the time we found out, the cancer was very aggressive and the tumor was unable to be operated on.
5 years after your dad died, you lost your mother-in-law, also to cancer. Can you share what that was like - going through a cancer diagnosis a second time?
At first, I felt like it was going to be easier because I thought I knew the emotions and the grief that would come up. It was actually even harder and caused a lot of issues for my husband and I. We found out about his mother, when she was visiting us in Colorado at Christmas. She was acting strange and confused and we took her to the ER thinking maybe altitude sickness or stroke and found out she has a very aggressive brain tumor.
I thought I knew how to handle his grief and the situation, as my coping mechanism is to control things. It caused a lot of feelings to come to the surface about my dad and my own process with grief, but at the time I couldn’t necessarily see that. I felt a lot more lost and confused, and remember thinking what did I do to deserve losing another parent. How it wasn’t fair that my own mom had both her parents and her I am having lost two people in my life? I felt like why is another important day (Christmas) and year (when we got married) shadowed in sadness and grief?
How did you cope in the immediate days after?
When my dad was diagnosed, I spent a lot of time in a whirlwind at the hospital. He didn’t have insurance nor was his home in good shape, so my brother and I immediately had to figure out all of those things. I think they served as a distraction from having to sit with him at the hospital watching him so sick. My brother and I took over his care and we moved him into my mom and stepdads house, and took him to all his appointments! As I mentioned before, I deal with stress by controlling things and checking things off a list. I did start seeing my old therapist, but I stopped interacting with most of the friends as I felt they didn’t get it. There was a lot of crying alone in bed at night, crying in the car, crying at random songs, crying just in general. My goal was to get him better so there was a lot of negotiating with god! I also starting looking into understanding cancer, natural products, and things that might help him feel better.
Can you talk about a specific low point or struggle you experienced?
Probably seeing him in the hospital for the first time was the hardest. I didn’t want to cry or be upset for him, but I had never seen my dad like that. And then I immediately thought about all the things I was not going to have my dad there for. It was a shock. My whole life had been about me and what I wanted and I didn’t really think about losing a parent.
Then when he was living with us, my goal was to get him healthier and able to live on his own. In my mind, I had convinced myself he was going to survive and make it. If we did the right things, he would be alright. There were a lot of arguments between the two of us (I tend to get blinders on) when he lived with us. Then, when we got the announcement that his cancer had spread and surgery would be too dangerous, it was a huge blow. I didn’t understand because we did everything the doctors said, and I had seen him get bettor and healthier. I was about to move to NYC again (this time to actually attend fashion college) and felt soo guilty about leaving him. He encouraged me to follow my dreams though so I went!
After I got to NYC, I got a call around my brother’s birthday. I needed to come home because my dad was moving in hospice. The two weeks he was in hospice before his death was really a struggle as well.
“Time does make things easier, but grief is unpredictable. Loss is unpredictable. And that is ok. It is ok to feel lost or overwhelmed. This sucks! Your new normal will eventually happen and it doesn’t mean you forget the person.”
How did you manage to find joy in those low moments?
I am not sure I did at first. I was so wrapped up in his diagnosis and helping him, I barely made time for myself. But eventually life does go on and my friends and family would drag me to do things that helped. Leaning on them was what helped me get through it. I tried to connect with my dad and remember why I felt so lost. I actually did get to go on vacation and a concert (where I met my future husband). When I managed to be present, I often founded joy in laughter, and the little things.
After losing two parents, did your attitude about life shift at all? Any unexpected changes?
I have found my priorities have shifted. It gave me a focus in life where I value my time much more now. I thought I was strong before, but I realized that I can make it through almost anything. I realized That things don’t “happen to me and not others”, but sometimes life fucking sucks. Instead of focusing on the bad, I now find the lesson in things. I don’t take things or people for granted as much. I also have a lot more compassion for others.
Most importantly I realized I want a slower life and that nothing is for certain. I want to spend time with my family now instead of waiting until “I get older, my career is establish, etc.” and not regret the time I spend with them. For example, I always wanted to go to japan. So my brother and I took my dad’s ashes there with my brother to sprinkle them! I am more confident in my voice and my life choices as I know how quickly things can change.
What do you want others - those who haven’t experienced it yet or are early in the process - to know about grief?
It is a crazy process! And is not predicable or the same for everyone (even if you are going through the same thing together!). Some days you will seem fine and then sob over the silliest things. Some days will seem overwhelming and too much to take. Some days that anger or regret might surprise you. But each day does get easier.
Someone once said to me: You may wake up thinking about them the first thing for what seems forever and the grief might be so shitty and overwhelming. But eventually they will be the second, or third or fourth thing you think about. Eventually, instead of sadness or anger or whatever emotion you are feeling, you will look about at think about the happy things. I remember being soo annoyed at that person at the time, but it really is true. And it’s not because you are “forgetting them” or anything. It’s because the grief becomes easier to manage.
Seek help if you can! Having someone to listen to me - whether a group or a therapist - was so helpful.
Know you are not alone and that there are people who can relate and would love to offer support.
How can a person best be there to support a loved one who is grieving?
This can be the hardest part. If I can give one piece of advice it is to listen and communicate a lot. Ask questions about what they would want and don’t assume what they told you 5 minutes ago is still going to remain true.
Give them space, but understand if they get mad or act weird, it’s usually not because of you. It’s usually because they are scared or sad and it’s too hard to talk about or confront at the moment.
Avoid trying to give advice or opinions unless you are asked. I struggled with his when my husband was losing his mom. I tried to tell him what I would want and wasn’t listening to what he needed. Grief and this process can be very different for each person, but openly communicating about it helps.
What would you tell someone experiencing something similar?
It does get easier. Time does make things easier, but grief is unpredictable. Loss is unpredictable. And that is ok. It is ok to feel lost or overwhelmed. This sucks! Your new normal will eventually happen and it doesn’t mean you forget the person. Eventually it becomes about honoring them in your life and remember how special they were to you. Or if you didn’t have a good relationship, how you want to reflect about that and make changes.
At the same time most of the people in your immediate circle will go back to their normal lives. Try not to hold this against them. Try not to hold how people respond to grief and death against them. This was really eye opening for me. Unless they have dealt with something similar, it’s so hard to understand. Have patient with yourself and forgive yourself for mistakes.
Any resources that were helpful for you that others might be able to utilize?
When I lost my dad, a therapist and hospice nurses helped me understand his upcoming death and how I might react. They had information I could easily process without feeling overwhelmed by searching the internet.
Also finding someone who has gone through a similar experience but it is not their job to talk about it (therapist), can be amazing. Whether it’s a friend, a group through the church, hospital, Instagram etc,, it made it feel like I wasn’t so alone in my grief. And it gave some space from the actual sadness, as they all had their own grief and weren’t so laser-focused on mine.
What brings you joy now?
Flowers, my dog, kids laughing, the Rolling Stones (my dad’s favorite band – who I couldn’t listen for the first 5 years after he died), cooking as a way to honor him (he was chef), thinking about starting a family and naming our kids after our parents we have lost, my grandpa’s funny stories, crystals (thanks @Everyday_magic), finding cool local companies to support.
Want to learn more about Bay and her story? Check out her Instagram account, @bay_meadow_farms.