Dating after Loss

Recently, I was asked, “how does Nate feel about it all?” The “all” that was being referred to was about me being a widow, an outspoken grief advocate, and a human who loves one person who is dead and another person who is not.

Navigating a relationship in the wake of a profound loss is complicated. It takes an immense amount of courage to put yourself out there. Phrases that come easily to other happy couples, like “you’re the love of my life” or “you’re my favorite person in the world” or even “I’m so lucky to be with you” come with a pang of guilt. Guilt at the idea that Brad is not my “one” love. And guilt that Nate, no matter how long we may be together, will always have to share these titles with Brad.

We are lucky to be with each other. We both know it. But we also both know that our “luck” is built from the foundation of Brad’s death - that we exist as a couple only because Brad and I do not.

We have so much capacity for love. I am lucky that Nate never makes me feel like there’s not enough supply for both him and Brad. But that doesn’t mean it’s not hard on him. I know it would be on me.

I once asked Nate how he feels about it all. “Honored” is the word he used. Honored to be with a person whose previous relationship he admired. Honored I chose him. And honored to be on this adventure together.

But it’s me who is honored.

Nate is the kind of guy who goes on vacations with Brad’s family. He calls my nieces and nephews on their birthdays and just to chat. He reads every heartbreaking and beautiful piece of writing I share about my life with Brad. He brainstorms org charts to push the Forced Joy Project forward (and is the reason “fuck fine” went out into the world).

I never thought I’d find another partner. I didn’t see how it was possible to love one man while also forever loving another. Dating as a widow is full of complexities. The perceptions, the judgment, the questions - they’re all real. But Nate recognizes that even if sometimes life is hard, love is not.

And for that, I feel pretty fucking good about it all (and I think Nate does too).