10 years ago, without fanfare, I received an email from my radiologist that said “scans are perfect.” It had been a year of clean scans since my sudden and unexpected relapse.
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Even in grief, we must learn to let go. Not of the love for our people (that will always remain). But the previous version of our life. The previous version of what we thought our life would look like.
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In honor of National Grief Awareness Day, I’m sharing 10 things I wish more people knew about grief.
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Starting at the row of suits and dress shirts, it would have been unclear that Brad had died over a year ago. Nothing had changed. Even his belt, which he casually tossed on top of the dresser, was unmoved.
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When Brad first died, self-love involved alcohol and weed. I’m not proud of it, but it felt like the only way I could love myself was by numbing my feelings.
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Navigating a relationship in the wake of a profound loss is complicated. It takes an immense amount of courage to put yourself out there.
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The truth is, that diagnosis would have inevitably changed us both. The fears, the surgeries, the emergency room visits, the bad news, bad news, bad news. Had Brad survived, our entire trajectory would have shifted - a rocketship midflight, aiming for the moon instead of mars.
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You may feel pressure from well-intentioned people to “get in the spirit,” but oftentimes those people would rather see you fake a smile than feel the truth.
Pull out the box of ornaments…or don’t. Sing the carols…or don’t. Get in the spirit…or don’t.
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“I miss the old you.”
What they meant was the “fun” me. The “light” me. The “easy going” me. The me that smiled widely and laughed freely and stayed late at the party.
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Reliving the trauma of a cancer diagnosis, the treatment, and the subsequent death is unbearably difficult. But sometimes, it feels harder to relive those precious moments of our life before.
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After that, we thought we were done stepping in shit. We assumed the universe worked in a way that rewarded good people by avoiding future shit.
But then Brad got cancer (shit) and died (ultimate shit).
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I wondered: will people assume I am no longer sad about Brad? Does being happy somehow equate to missing him less? Will others stop saying Brad’s name? Would sharing my joy be hurtful to other grievers? Can I be both happy and grieving at the same time?
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Like most milestones and momentous events, it’s complicated and a full pendulum of emotions. It’s a week with lots of highs. And it’s also a week of one significant low - the unfillable hole that is the absence of Brad.
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As a widow, did you experience financial instability? Did you receive life insurance? In this episode of Grief Chats, we talk about all things money and widowhood.
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I didn’t understand then why I craved other people’s stories of grief. It felt wrong to want the dark moments. But what I know now is that it wasn’t just about being a voyeur into someone else’s tragedy. It was about holding space for someone else’s pain and then, ultimately, feeling less alone in my own.
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Losing your partner is one fo the most - if not the most - traumatizing loss a person can endure. But with the loss of the person comes so many other losses, most unseen to the outside world - called secondary losses.
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Birthdays are strange days for those of us who have experienced profound loss. They are filled with this duality of deep sadness over the absence of a loved one and also deep gratitude over the privilege to live another year. Celebrating another trip around the sun, while the person we lost remains frozen in time.
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I sat crosslegged on the floor of the loft. The loft that used to be ours but now was just mine. It was empty, except for the beer can that sat in front of me and the disco ball in the corner. But even in its emptiness, the space felt so very full by the life that was lived within those four walls.
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