How to Survive the Holidays
I remember a time when holidays were easy. Maybe I was young and naive. Maybe I just hadn’t experienced the full tragedy of life (and death). Maybe I was just living through them all with a blissful ignorance.
But holidays used to bring me nothing but joy. I’d play Christmas music way too early. I’d host fancy parties for a hundred of my closest friends. I’d fight the crowds and the bitter cold for 2 seconds of glee as the Christmas tree was lit for the first time.
And then I got diagnosed with cancer the week of Thanksgiving. And then my father-in-law died. And then one of my best friends died. And then my uncle was diagnosed and died. And then Brad was diagnosed and died. And then Brad’s grandma died. And then Brad's stepfather died. And then my dad was diagnosed with cancer.
And then…And then…And then…
And then life.
And then those merry memories became traumatic triggers. They became reminders of a life long, long ago. A life that no longer exists.
And now holidays are tough.
And I’m learning it’s not just for those who have been visited by the Grim Reaper instead of Jolly St. Nick. Holidays are hard for a lot of us. Whether you’ve lost someone, or you’re struggling with your mental or physical health, or everything in your life appears perfect but you just don’t feel the joy, it can be difficult to cope during the holidays.
I’m still trying to navigate this season. Trying to balance my genuine desire for the joy of the season and my genuine desire to sleep right through it.
Life. Death. Tragedies. They don’t stop because it’s the holiday season and we’re supposed to be celebrating.
Carols are still sung. Trees are still decorated. Gatherings of jolly, happy people still continue. As they should.
It doesn’t necessarily get easier as time goes on. But each year it shifts and changes. And I learn how to better manage. I learn to check in with myself and trust my own needs (even if it doesn’t match what everyone else thinks I should be doing).
As I enter my third season since Brad’s death, here are 5 ways I’ve learned to survive the holidays. Maybe they’ll work for you. Maybe they won’t. The important thing is to honor where you’re at in this moment.
Set Boundaries. Don’t be afraid to say no. This season, I’ve spent a lot more time cozied up with a book by my fire than glammed up and party hopping to various cocktail soirees around town. There is so much pressure to say yes and show up and mingle and jingle with your peers, but sometimes it’s better to say no and show up for your couch and a new series on Netflix. Each season is different. Respect the season you’re in. Say “yes" to what excites you, lifts you, and makes you joyful. Say "no" to everything else.
Be open to new traditions. Some traditions may bring you cheer, others may bring on a full blown bout of depression. Be willing to adapt these traditions. Maybe this year you forgo your annual Christmas party and start a new tradition of getting the F out of dodge and spending the holiday season on a beach, drinking margaritas. It’s totally ok. And just because you let go of a tradition that’s painful this year, doesn’t mean you can’t bring it back next year. It’s ok to skip a year without the guilt. It’s also ok to come up with completely new traditions without the guilt.
Communicate. Tell your loved ones what you need. Distractions? Alone time? Friends to come over and drink wine in your living room while you nap on the couch? Stating your needs isn’t easy, but it’s better than being dragged to one more holiday party because “it’ll be good to get out” when really what you need is a quiet night in.
Schedule some extra self care. A massage, a yoga session, a movie night, conversations with friends. Whatever you need to help you cope during this inevitably hard time.
Acknowledge the moments of joy. There may not be many, especially the first holiday season, but when you notice something that brings a smile to your face, embrace it and if possible, repeat it.
And one bonus tip:
Bail whenever you need. During family gatherings, cocktail parties, solo shopping trips. Anything. It doesn’t matter if you already said “yes,” you always have the right to change your mind.
And in case you are a jolly, happy reader who still loves the holidays (yay!) and are you looking to support someone who is struggling this holiday season, here are 5 ways you can help:
Show up. Large holiday settings (festive cocktail parties, tree lighting ceremonies, etc) might overwhelm someone struggling. Stop by for some one-on-one time and check in. If they want to go out, join them and be a buffer for those inevitable emotional moments. If they want to stay in, offer to keep them company. Whatever you do, don’t avoid.. So many people avoid someone who is grieving because death is awkward and uncomfortable. Put your own feelings aside and show up in all your uncomfortable glory.
Don’t take it personally if they’re not showing up for your holiday party/cookie making gathering/caroling outing. The music, the decorations, the excitement - all the joys of the holidays can be serious triggers for someone who is struggling.
Keep inviting them. Always. No matter how much time it’s been and how many times they’ve said no. It’s nice to let someone know they’re still in your thoughts and that they are always welcome. And remember, someone not showing up is.not.personal. It’s not about you. So don’t be offended. Be gracious and genuine and keep the invitations coming.
Talk about the person they lost. Be curious. Ask for stories. Share your own. It’s incredible how many people avoid saying their name. It is the single best gift you can give someone.
Don’t judge. People grieve in their own way and it may look different year after year. One year, I threw our annual holiday party where I got drunk and cried in my cocktail dress. Another year, I avoided the season (and people) and spent my time hiking in Northern California. Each year will be different as I navigate this time. Be supportive - not judgmental - of those you love. It’s a process that each individual must go through on their own and in their own time.
Hopefully this helps a little, either with perspective or ideas. And wherever you’re at this season, I hope you can find a little joy through it all.