But this year, I once again felt compelled to host. I wanted the music and the warmth and the laughter. I wanted to cook for those I loved in this space I have created for myself. I wanted that same feeling of joy I felt during all those years of hosting.

But with that desire comes the realization that life - and the holidays - are different now. The people, the place, even the food.- they’re all different now. And I have to grieve that loss, too.