4 Year Deathiversary

4 years ago, my life changed forever. With one hand gripping my leg and the other safely tucked in my palm, Brad’s heart stopped beating.

The memory - and trauma - of that day lives deep in my bones. Although it’s gentler now. Less harsh. It’s more settled and comfortable in my body.

But it remains.

And in its wake, a rift was formed. A divide between the person I was and the person I had yet to become.

But the truth is, I was changed by Brad long before that moment. From the second he walked into a friend’s dorm room, stuck out his hand to introduce himself, and asked, “What’s your story?", he was a part of me. His story was entwined in mine.

From that moment on, I had the profound honor of being chosen by Brad for the rest of his life. To hear his deep and complicated thoughts. To learn through the strength of his convictions. To follow his lead on living a life full of purpose and meaning.

He was witty and deep and a tiny bit nerdy and really fucking funny.

And he was a part of me.

He is a part of me still.

And on days when I struggle with the impact of his loss, I also remind myself of the impact of his life. Because it’s not just the trauma of his death, but the influence of his life, that rests deep in my bones.

And for that, I am grateful.