Secondary Losses

Losing your partner is one fo the most - if not the most - traumatizing loss a person can endure. But with the loss of the person comes so many other losses, most unseen to the outside world - called secondary losses.

Like the loss of friends who are uncomfortable sitting in your grief. And the future milestones you no longer get to experience with your person. And your self confidence as you now have to walk into parties and bars and weddings solo. And those “oh shit” moments when you’re sitting on the toilet and realize the roll is empty and you have no one to yell at to bring you another roll (I mean come on, who hasn’t felt that loss?).

Losing your partner is made up of one colossal loss and a thousand other secondary losses.

Below are just a few:

  • Financial stability

  • Sex

  • Home

  • Family structure

  • Sense of purpose

  • Security

  • Personal cheerleader

  • Friendships

  • Planned future

  • Driving buddy

  • Milestones & anniversaries

  • Mental stability

  • Job

  • Grief companion

  • Patience with others

  • Family structure

  • Motivation

  • Sense of safety

  • Faith

  • Travel companion

  • Support system

  • Physical intimacy

  • Secret keeper

  • Bag stacker on flights

  • Traditions

  • Inside jokes

  • Community

  • Physical appearance

  • Familiarity

  • Everyday noises around the house

  • Dreams

  • Being part of a “we”

  • Privacy

  • Family

  • Purpose

  • Dog walker

  • Self confidence

  • Sick caretaker

  • Sense of place

  • Ability to concentrate

  • Past memories

  • Belief that bad things don’t happen to good people

  • Emotional intimacy

  • Future kids/grandkids

  • Romance

  • Appetite / enjoyment of food

  • Feeling of lightness

  • Libido

  • Inner joy

  • Future memories

  • Trust in ability to make decisions

  • Patience with self

  • Family structure

  • Best Friend

  • Routine

  • Trust in time

  • Shared plans

  • Loved one's friends and family

  • Stress management

  • The belief in fairness

  • Health

  • Role as a spouse

  • Bringer of toilet paper

  • Identity

  • Sense of humor

  • Ability to read

  • Shared household duties

  • Income

  • Expectations

  • Self care

  • Relatability to others

  • Hand holder

  • Trust in others

  • Energy

  • Previous version of yourself

So many of these secondary losses are invisible and grieved in private. Many are felt daily. All are life-altering. How many have you experienced?

Dana Frostgrief, loss, Widowhood, widow, young widow, secondary losses, life after loss, cancer widowComment