Even in grief, we must learn to let go. Not of the love for our people (that will always remain). But the previous version of our life. The previous version of what we thought our life would look like.
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But letting go is hard - and oftentimes comes with grief and sadness and guilt. It’s also another loss. Another reminder that life has shifted so profoundly. So instead of letting go, maybe we need to be better at letting it flow.
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As I was walking out the door his parting words were, “Just keep going! That’s the key to a successful business: never let up.” But the truth is, I want to let up. I don’t want to always keep going. If there’s one thing grief has taught me, it’s the importance of rest.
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I feel like I’m standing at a fork. To the left is a clear path - a comfortable path. I know what to expect on that path because I’ve taken it before.
To the right is a new path. It’s covered in overgrown brush with thorns and wildflowers and I can’t quite see through it. This path is both exciting and terrifying.
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One of the most uncomfortable parts of loss was not in what was different. It was in what was the same. The same friends, the same house, the same bar, the same walking route, the same music, the same shows, the same job. Brad was dead but everything around me was the same.
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When a person dies, it’s hard to know what to do on big grief dates. Both on anniversaries of positive dates - like weddings and birthdays, as well as anniversaries of the tougher dates - like diagnoses and deaths.
Is a celebration appropriate? Is it better to wallow in bed? Do you involve others or plan a solo day?
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Reliving the trauma of a cancer diagnosis, the treatment, and the subsequent death is unbearably difficult. But sometimes, it feels harder to relive those precious moments of our life before.
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I wondered: will people assume I am no longer sad about Brad? Does being happy somehow equate to missing him less? Will others stop saying Brad’s name? Would sharing my joy be hurtful to other grievers? Can I be both happy and grieving at the same time?
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Like most milestones and momentous events, it’s complicated and a full pendulum of emotions. It’s a week with lots of highs. And it’s also a week of one significant low - the unfillable hole that is the absence of Brad.
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I didn’t understand then why I craved other people’s stories of grief. It felt wrong to want the dark moments. But what I know now is that it wasn’t just about being a voyeur into someone else’s tragedy. It was about holding space for someone else’s pain and then, ultimately, feeling less alone in my own.
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Losing your partner is one fo the most - if not the most - traumatizing loss a person can endure. But with the loss of the person comes so many other losses, most unseen to the outside world - called secondary losses.
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Birthdays are strange days for those of us who have experienced profound loss. They are filled with this duality of deep sadness over the absence of a loved one and also deep gratitude over the privilege to live another year. Celebrating another trip around the sun, while the person we lost remains frozen in time.
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Grief Chats Episode 1 is here! Find out why in the world we wanted to host a video series about traumatic grief and widowhood. Who are we anyways? What are our stories? How did we become young widows and survivors of traumatic loss?
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